Everyone’s journey to parenthood is unique and different and I support PERINATAL DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY AWARENESS  (PANDA) to encourage parents, both old and new, to speak out and begin honest conversations about parenthood in the hope of encouraging others who may be suffering to reach out and ask for help.

Here’s my story……

After a difficult pregnancy due to pubic symphisitis (read: very painful!), a low lying placenta, and significant weight gain, here I am out to dinner with my husband and friends, on the night I went into labour. Little did I know how my life was going to change beyond what I could ever imagine.

Labour came on fast and furious, intense contractions straight away and without much warning. Almost a metaphor for how motherhood ensued.

Nothing to worry about though, I was ready, wasn’t I? All those natural birthing classes I had attended, and “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” was my bible. I had this in the bag.

But what I got was 26 hours of excruciatingly painful, drug-free (except a bit of gas) labour, a cervix that wouldn’t dilate, a baby who was completely stuck and what followed with an emergency C-section. Six hours after his birth, my baby developed pneumonia (because they left me dilated too long before conducting the caesarian) and was whisked away into intensive care.

I did not get to feed him, hold him, soothe him until a week after his birth. This wasn’t in the plan.

I will never forget the night, maybe three nights later, when I received a call from the nurse in intensive care asking my permission to allow her to give my baby the dummy. He was crying inconsolably, she said, and she needed to try to soothe him. I could hear his wailing in the background.

This was the moment I broke, the memory is still so raw I’ve got tears streaming now. I had lost control of everything I had dreamed of, the easy conception, the natural birth, the bonding, the breastfeeding. These seemed nothing more than idealised fantasies when now, it was down to a piece of plastic to do the job of soothing my baby who was in distress, and I could do nothing about it.

Wasn’t it enough already that it took me 4 painful years to be able to hold this miracle child in my arms?

So there I was in hospital hand pumping milk from my breasts in the hope of getting that life-giving colostrum into my child. All the while well- meaning visitors were stopping by mid-pump, to offer their congratulations. It wasn’t long before I started to fall apart.

Let’s just say from woe to go,  breastfeeding was a complete disaster. The fact that my son wasn’t able to go on the breast straight after birth made breastfeeding that more challenging. Think cracked, bloody, painful nipples for want of trying, and add to that an over-supply of milk which caused my let downs to force milk down his throat like a fire hydrant going off. And I would have at least 5 let downs each side. I ended up pumping milk 5 times a day for that first year, pumping, washing, sterilising, repeat…

Once home my baby just didn’t sleep, he had reflux and was irritable most of the time (who could blame him), in fact he was the opposite of everything those evil textbooks told me he would be. Soon I found I was completely dreading getting out of bed and I didn’t want to see my baby. I felt completely lost and alone, confused and deeply depressed. I had also developed acute insomnia and extreme anxiety.

Perinatal anxiety and depression does not discriminate – it affects people across all communities regardless of age, income or geography, and the way people are affected is not black and white. And it got me bad.

Within a few weeks I realised I wasn’t going to survive this dark place I had descended into. Gathering up all of my courage, I set forth to find the answers to end my pain and suffering and make me feel myself again and turn up each day to be the mother of my child.

I thank God for the psychiatrist who treated me from the Anxiety Clinic at St Vincents Hospital in Sydney. She was my saviour, somebody who instantly understood who I was and what I was experiencing. She took me in and taught me tools, insights and techniques which led to my healing. It was hard work, but I got there, and till this day I use the tools she taught me to lessen the hold that anxiety threatens to have over me.

After my first meeting with my psychiatrist, she told me it was her goal to get me wanting to have another baby, to which I instantly replied, ” Never and not on your life”. Yet much later on, on our final session, I recall taking her in a bunch of roses, thanking her for everything she had done for me and sharing the news that I was indeed, pregnant!

Here I am 15 weeks pregnant, this time I did not have to wait to be able to conceive….

….. the birth went smoothly and it was natural and I got to hold my little girl in my arms straight away. Breastfeeding was still a challenge due to my over-supply, so by three months I was doing the pump routine again, but I didn’t spiral into depression and severe anxiety this time around.

I was ok. I am more than ok and my kids and I are doing great.

If anyone out there is reading this and can relate, please know you don’t have to suffer in silence. Reach out to a friend, family member, doctor, if they don’t understand then find someone else to talk to. Please consider calling PANDA,  what they have to offer is truly wonderful.

 Bren x

Tell us a little about yourself.

I am a single mum by choice and have 1 daughter Betsy and she is 11 months old. I had Betsy in my late forties with assistance from an IVF clinic in Sydney and in Greece. She is my only child and had I have started the journey into motherhood earlier, I would have had more children. I run my own business called A Balanced Life and provide conception coaching and counselling to adults.

What is a conception coach?

Conception coaching is an idea that I turned into a reality in the last 12 months. It wasn’t until after I had my baby that I started to think about adding a service to help others who are in assisted reproductive/fertility programs and decided to add conception coaching to my business. I had been in and out of these programs for 4 years and what I found was there were a lot of services out there for preconception care for the body, Such as naturopaths, acupuncturists, massage, herbalists to name a few, but no one was looking after the emotional and thinking processes for anyone in the programs.

Being in the assisted reproductive/fertility program such as IVF was a lonely process. I had stopped telling people I knew that I was undergoing treatments to have a baby. Most were too opinionated and judgemental, some tried to talk me out of it and most of all I didn’t want to keep reliving the grief and loss by telling people when a round of treatments had not been successful. I was lucky that I had a couple of friends who had been through the programs before me and they were supportive and understood how I was feeling.

My beliefs and values about being a woman, a mother, starting a family later in life, being single, being judged by everyone including my family and society at large was all being tested, turned upside down and inside out.

I had not been through an experience like this before and felt I needed a qualified therapist that could understand it all and had been through the same or similar experience as me who could help me to understand what was happening and how to make sense of it for me. When you are in these programs, you feel out of control most of the time as your life is dictated by blood tests, taking artificial hormones, having internal scans, begin prodded and poked every other day. I felt, and so did many others, that they had given over their bodies and lives to the process of IVF and normality of their lives had faded away.

I spoke to many women who I had met in previous years (from swim classes, to mothers groups, and acquaintances I had met along the way) that had also been in the various programs like I had. I asked many of them how they felt going through these programs and who they had to help them emotionally and psychologically along the way. I was surprised to learn we had the same or similar experience and some had seen counsellors and felt they were not helpful at all. Mostly because they couldn’t assist them in a way they needed. So I decided that as I was a degree trained counsellor and coach I would start offering conception coaching to help others navigate their way on their journey too. I came up the name of conception coaching myself, as I had not heard of it before. I then started to develop how I could take my own experience and help others that were also in these programs.

What do you enjoy about your work as a Life/Conception Coach and Counsellor?

I have always loved people’s stories and each story is unique and interesting. I really enjoy working with people and helping them get back to what is important to them, that being; work life balance, relationships and living congruently with their values and beliefs. My conception coaching is so full of hope for a future and bringing acceptance and balance back into the lives of the parents to be is such an honour to work with them on their journey.

What does healthy eating mean for you?

Healthy eating is paramount in my home. Having good quality produce that is organic and pasture fed meat and fish feeds my families body, mind and spirit. We need our body and brain function to work optimally in this busy world and when it is healthy it works much better for us.

What are 5 of your kitchen pantry essentials?

Organic Coconut oil

Organic olive oil

Organic Quinoa

Himalayan pink salt

Good quality nuts and seeds

What do you indulge in?

Good quality food

Beautiful hand made teas from Ovvio

Chocolate coated macadamias from Byron Bay Coffee Company

A nourishing face cream

What are some of the things you value most in life?

Family, health, loving supportive friends, living in a vibrant city, being free to live life to the fullest and grab any opportunity that is available to me.

What is your favourite quote?

I have 2 if I can share both with you.

When the first baby laughed for the first time, the laugh broke into a thousand pieces and they all went skipping about & that was the beginning of fairies. J.M. Barrie

And

And the day came, when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. Anais Nin

Do you find time to nurture yourself? What does this involve?

I don’t have a lot of time these days with a small baby. I grab a few minutes each day to breathe deeply and quieten my mind with meditation. I love to cook and this helps to relax me. I take long baths and get a good night sleep most of the time.

What are your tips to staying happy and healthy?

I believe that good health encompasses, mind body and spirit. I can target all 3 with good healthy food as I am nourishing myself from the inside out. I go for walks each day with the baby and the dog. I laugh a lot and find a positive in all my challenges. I am grateful every day and don’t take myself too seriously.

What do you and Betsy like to do on the weekend?

We love to walk in Centennial Park and go to the duck pond and feed the ducks.

We play with her toys and our dog Maudie

Visit friends

Go for long walks

Would you like to share one of your favourite healthy recipes?

Slow cooked leg of lamb in a cast iron pot.

Ingredients, all organic

A leg of pasture fed lamb

Coconut oil

2 lemons cut in half

2 bay leaves

4 large ripe tomatoes, heirloom if possible, chop into small pieces. Or use 1 can of organic chopped or crushed tomatoes.

2 tablespoons of Ovvio Grecian Herb & Spice Blend

Home made stock

Handful of black olives

Salt and pepper

Method:

Brown off the lamb in the cast iron pot with a few tablespoons of coconut oil on the stove. Takes about 10 minutes.

Add tomatoes, lemons, bay leaves, and olives and cover the lamb about 2/3^rd with the stock.

Add salt and pepper to taste. I sometimes put in whole pepper and then take them out when serving.

Cover with the lid and put into the oven on 120 C for up to 6 hours. I have many times cooked it for 12 to 18 hours on 90 C. The liquid can be spooned over the meat every few hours. Sometimes I add in sweet potato to the mix too.

I serve with vegetables; either roasted or steamed and if you like to add quinoa, serve it on the side or under the lamb.

Email:  Vanessa@abalancedlife.net.au

Website: www.abalancedlife.net.au

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