While most of my 30’s was consumed with the craziness of babies and dealing with post natal depression, insomnia and anxiety that came along for the ride. All the while I managed to nurture my kids as they grew into toddlers, then school-age children (boy didn’t that go fast!).
 

My 40s on the other hand have allowed for more time for personal growth and reflection.
 
My kids are now teenagers, and while I remain ever-present for them, their growing independence has allowed me the space to become more self aware and I realise in my 40’s I’m happier being me despite the changes in how my body looks, the greying hair, the extra wrinkles and the perimenopause symptoms (!)

 I also appreciate being alone with myself and I understand myself better. I care less about what people think of me, if they don’t like me, it’s their problem not mine, and generally feel more confident within myself which makes me feel more powerful.
 
I am blessed with a wide friendship group, but have learnt that friendships change over time. Sometimes they have an expiration date and fizzle away. And that’s OK. But I can now recognise the handful of besties who will always, always have my back. Even if I don’t speak to them all that often, because well #life, I know they’re there as I am for them.
 
I have learnt to cherish the deep scars from events in my life that were difficult or traumatic. They somehow remind me I’m alive and have gifted me my biggest life lessons.
 
As I travel through my 40’s, love, peace and harmony are what I crave. I have no interest in being sucked into someone else’s drama, so I’ve become ace at creating boundaries : )
 
The big one though, is having time for self care and slowly but surely getting better at the art of graciously saying “no” AND not feeling guilty about saying it.

As my children grow older and I can feel their inevitable and natural separation, I realise that nothing is more important to me than them and our precious family unit.

My big goal in life is to stay connected to them. So I’m conscious of making beautiful memories with them, to be present in their lives everyday, and ensure that I look after my health so as I grow older I can keep up with them, show up for them, stay well for them.

Onwards and upwards.

Watch out 50, here I come!

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Brenda x

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We were having such a grand old time including some serious chair dancing to George Michael (RIP) when I was suddenly interrupted by a man who plonked himself a little too close to me. he proceeded to exclaim that all his friends were ‘boring’ and he’d been wanting to come and talk to me all night.

He told me he had decided to ‘just do it’. I’m pretty sure this wasn’t the idea Nike had in mind when formulating their famous line.

His proximity and presence immediately made me feel uncomfortable, but I didn’t want to be rude so I engaged in (awkward) chat with him. After ten minutes or so, our ‘decision-maker’ had revealed a complete imperviousness to cues, and I was becoming very uncomfortable.

What was my exit plan?

I didn’t want to be rude but I also wanted to get back to all the fun my friends were having without me.

I mouthed to one of my girlfriends for ‘help’ and she politely asked him to leave.

This situation left me to ponder what made this man think he had the right to impose on my personal space. More importantly, why did I let him and why did I feel so helpless? Unfortunately, many women I know have had far too much experience with these awkward encounters.

On reflection, I realized the reason I got myself stuck in this situation, was because of my upbringing which had taught me to:

• Always be polite;
• Never hurt other people’s feelings;
• Always give hugs and kisses to your aunties and uncles to make them feel validated, even if you don’t want to;
• Quash your voice and comply with what your parents tell you to do otherwise you will get into trouble.

My upbringing had led me to believe that at this moment I was not in control of my space, and what a dangerous message this is for kids to receive. This learned behaviour was also what I was instilling in my own children!

It impressed upon me the important responsibility we have to teach our children to protect their personal space and boundaries and give them the tools to deal with such situations.

When teaching manners to our kids we need to let them know that they have the right to say no and teach them the unemotional (yet firm) way to do so.

We need to include conversations about situations that make them feel uncomfortable. Listen to them and not judge their answers. Ask them what would have helped to make them feel more comfortable.

We should model firm and unemotional words whenever we feel uncomfortable in a situation, and ‘role play’ with our kids.

We need to encourage our kids to have a voice and practice expressing things they want, such as “I’d like to go to an Italian restaurant tonight”. Simple stuff, but it will make it easier to say ‘no’ when they don’t want something.

We need to teach our children not to feel guilty or impolite if they need to pull someone up for invading their boundaries or even to ‘push back’ if their requests are ignored.

We also need to teach our children how to respect other people’s personal space.

We can’t assume that our children will intrinsically understand these values, so it’s our job to teach them to be respectful to each other from a young age (and at any age).

It seems obvious that Mr. Space Invader may not have been taught how to respect a woman and her personal space and behave appropriately.

We can teach our children to politely ask someone’s permission before entering their personal space, and help them understand boundaries. “Do you mind if I borrow your pencil”, “Is it ok if I play with your soccer ball” (instead of just taking it), “Hi, my name is so & so, do you mind if I join you?

Also teach them to look beyond words and how to read body language signs, signals, and cues and what they might mean.

In my scenario, perhaps I could have simply said “thanks for stopping by for a chat, but I’m here to spend some time with my girlfriends and I’d like to get back to them”.

It’s never too late to learn or pick up a life skill.

I’ll certainly be taking my own advice here!

The reality is, kids need to feel connected, to feel part of a group, to feel loved. But it doesn’t always work out this way. We assume friendship comes naturally to kids. But it isn’t always the case.

Studies show that children who have friends are more likely to be self-confident and perform better academically at school than those without friends. It’s also a determining factor in the future happiness of our children. When children have difficulty making friends or keeping them, it often leads to feelings of loneliness and unhappiness. Regular rejection isn’t easy. Just ask any actor!

Teaching my kids about friendship has sometimes been painful for me. Things haven’t always gone smoothly for them, and they have often felt lost and empty. It can break a parent’s heart.

It’s very confusing for children who try to figure out why they aren’t fitting in. And as a parent it’s easy to fall into the trap of trying to find the answer, but from experience, you can search till the cows come home, but there may not be any concrete reasons.

So what can we do as parents when our children asks us:

What have I done so that others don’t like me?
Why does ‘so and so’ always get up and move when I sit next them?
Why am I always picked last for the team?
Why aren’t I invited over to anyone’s place?

These can be tough questions to answer but guiding our children on some skills like empathy, problem-solving, negotiating, cooperation and communication can definitely help them socially, but I believe it’s important not to focus on what they may be “doing wrong” but rather guide them towards believing in themselves and celebrating who they are. Help them to understand the differences which exist between all humans and that while everyone wants to “fit”, sometimes it can take time to find even one true friend.

Let your children know that the world is full of thousands of people and that one day they will find a friend who-

• loves them for who they are
• connects with their soul
• brings out the best in them
• unconditionally accepts them for who they are
• laughs at all their jokes (good and bad!)
• forgives them when they let them down
• shares their dreams and beliefs
• sticks up for them
• trusts them with their secrets and feelings
• makes them feel like an equal
• and loves being around the light that they shine out into the world and which they should never, ever try to dim as thats what makes them special,wonderful and loveable

I am personally blessed with some of the best friends a girl could have.  No matter how much time passes, or how infrequently we get to connect in this busy life, whatever I may be going through, they make me feel special, important, always welcome, and always loved. These same relationships have their highs and lows and can be painful at times, that’s life, but ultimately they are steadfast and true.

I take faith in knowing that one day this will happen for my kids too.

Have your children had issues with fitting in? How have you chosen to address it? I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Bren x