Believing in the incredible power of food as medicine I undertook and committed myself to raising them on a diet of nutritious, home cooked meals, even though cooking three meals a day from scratch is A LOT of work (not to mention the dishes).

They are now strapping 15 and 17 year olds who are entirely capable of cooking for themselves (get your kids in the kitchen as young as possible! but I still do most of the heavy lifting when it comes to cooking.

I just can’t stop.

I can’t stop because I love knowing that despite how much take-out, processed foods, missed meals, alcohol (!), they’re having out there in the world, that home is where I can always make sure they well get a proper,  meal full of goodness to nourish every cell in their bodies.

I can’t stop because they have spread their wings and are flying so very quickly away and deep in my soul I already miss them and cooking for them makes me feel connected to them and hold on to them a little longer.

I can’t stop because I feel joy seeing their faces light up when they hear they’re favourite Creamy Pasta Bake or Mexican Beef and Bean Burritos is for dinner.

I can’t stop because they are so self sufficient and independent in every way that feeding them feels like one of the last few things I can still do for them to show them how much I love them.

I can’t stop because food is love in my heart and my home and it always will be this way.

Bren x

This painful experience became my gift, the catalyst which ignited my incredible passion for wholefoods, cooking from scratch, and food as medicine.

From deep in my heart I felt the privilege of being in charge of nourishing my children and raising them to love real food. Of giving them the best chance to thrive and be well throughout their lives.

Before long I felt called to share my passion and knowledge beyond my family. I formalised my education by studying to be a health coach and my blog and business with it’s various offerings came to life and became the vehicle from which I helped other busy mums to raise happy, healthy children. 

My message revolved around the power of wholefoods, techniques to combat fussy eating, the dangers of additives, sugar and processed, packaged foods. I educated about ‘bliss points’, the corruption of the food industry and food marketing.

All the while I remained vigilant about the foods that could and couldn’t be eaten by my own children.

Until it backfired. 

Until I discovered my kids were hiding particular foods from me.

Until my daughter would throw empty packets of Tiny Teddies wrappers deep into the bin while glancing guiltily in my direction in case she were caught. 

Until we found our son, who said he was meeting a friend to play soccer at the park, on his own at the park with a slushie from McDonalds.

This was my wake up call.

Though motivated by only the best of intentions by wanting the best health I could offer my family, through the over-emphasis of ideals around food and a dogmatic approach, I had unwittingly created pressure, shame,  fear and guilt around food. 

Which was the LAST thing I ever wanted, because what a slippery slope it can be to dysfunctional eating and food disorders. 

I have spent the last two years unravelling what I created.

Initially it proved to be confronting. Letting go of old beliefs and fears was challenging.

But this year I have finally found my stride.

No more lectures about food choices.

No judgement around any type of food.

No more food labels.

No more, “good food”, “bad food”, “junk food”, “everyday food”, “sometimes food” …

Food is just food.

All foods can be incorporated as part of a healthy diet.

I have been releasing my kids from food pressure and food restriction, allowing them freedom in their own choices.

As a result they are much more relaxed and eating much more intuitively rather than by a set of rules.

2018 was the year when I began to trust that my children would carry the healthy foundations I had set up at home throughout their lives and I stopped fearing the negative effects of certain types of food. 

While I still 100% believe in the power of food to prevent illness and disease, in helping our children flourish mentally and physically – allowing them to adapt, lead, think, create and change, we also celebrate food as fun, connection, memories, happiness, smiles and excitement.

I now believe that without a good pinch of joy, good nutrition will allude us all.  

I’ll admit, I’m still a work in progress. Seeing kids choose soft drinks still pains me, but with each deep breath I am able to remind myself to focus on the bigger picture.

Bren x

My husband and I definitely want them to have every opportunity to experience new things, and to enjoy the things they love to do, especially with their friends. But, we live in such a busy world and sometimes we feel like they are slipping away just a bit too much, just a bit too soon. That somehow in all the craziness of life the most important thing has been overlooked. FAMILY TIME.

The reality is that in our busy, stressed-out lives, our primal parenting instincts have been dampened, and we need to re-awaken them. According to physician, author and childhood development expert, Dr Gabriel Mate,

“For the first time in human history children are more influenced by their peers than by adults in their lives. And developmentally that’s a disaster.”

I don’t need to tell anyone how to attach to their kids, it’s our natural instinct.

But somehow, in so many ways, we are less and less available to our kids and we have lost sight of how important attachment actually is, leading them to looking elsewhere for attachment, usually their peer groups. Our kids need someone to connect with, ideally their family, and continue to need to stay attached right up until they turn into adults and especially through the tumultuous teenage years.

For my family, as much as we can, we connect by eating meals together, but hubby works long hours and often can’t join us. Then there’s homework, after school and weekend sports, hanging with friends and social activities and suddenly we have lost sight of when we were last all together, just us. But TIME is the one thing we need to build deep family connections, for bonding, attachment and sharing experiences we all love.

So when I announced last weekend that we would be having a FAMILY DAY, the teenager grumbled and gave me the bottom lip ‘cause he was invited to meet his mates for a round of golf (again). Part of me felt bad for holding him back (even though he’d just played the previous day), and whilst I almost waivered #mothersguilt, I stayed strong, knowing deep in my heart what was best.

Perhaps one of the most challenging part of having adolescents is finding opportunities to spend time with them and finding things to do that everyone will enjoy. We ended up going on a lovely, long walk through the Malabar Headlands, visiting the grandparents, and once home we all hopped into the kitchen for a two hour cooking session!

Did the kids bicker? As if I need to answer that!

Was the day perfect? Off course not!

Did we all still love the day? Absolutely!

And we all felt the beautiful deepening of our family bond.

Bren x

 Guest post by Sylvia Puentos

To me, the word failure is highly charged and disturbingly absolute. To fail means that you are wrong; that you are inadequate, incompetent or ‘not enough’. A 2014 study found that 70% of parents feel judged regularly by others around them, including by strangers. As yet, there are no statistics on how many of us judge ourselves, nor how often we turn our criticism inward because of some perceived lack of parenting ability.

We, as a society, have created a false ideal around raising children; we have come to believe that there are set guidelines to being an effective parent. That there is a ‘right’ way. According to this learned limitation, if we can simply recognize where we are failing in our role as a parent (or if we are told by others) then we can find ways to fix it.

But what if it doesn’t have to be this way? What if we were willing to confront the idea that failure doesn’t actually exist?

Failure is a fabrication of society and it is built around an ever-changing set of ideals. (That which was regarded as good parenting a century ago may be maligned today, and vice versa.) When we buy into failure it sticks with us and it creates a vortex of wrongness. Just like digging a hole, it is easy to fall so deep into a spiral of judgement and perceived failure that it is almost impossible to climb back out.

One of the most important things we can understand as parents is that our offspring learn how to ‘be’ in this world, through observation and example. When children observe their parents struggling with the rightness and wrongness of their role – when they watch mothers and/or fathers succumb to judgement from self and others – they, too, learn to approach life in this way.

It is in this way – by mimicking the behaviors of their parents – that children learn to judge themselves as ‘wrong’ or ‘a failure’ when they make a not-so-good choice or decision.

But what if we could learn to function as parents (and role models) from a place of allowance and kindness toward ourselves? What if, instead of measuring our choices and behaviours against a social ideal, we came to view parenting as an exploration. In this way, poor choices are not failings on our behalf – they are opportunities to learn more about what we would like our life (or our relationship with our children) to look like, and what we would like to change.

Parenting as an exploration

When we accept that parenting is an exploration, we remove any concept of success or failure. An explorer has not failed if their trekking brings them to an impassable river. It is simply a sign that the current direction is not working; they will need to adjust to venture further. So it is with parenting.

From this space, one of consideration and allowance, we become more open to the actual needs of our children. Specifically, without the fear of perceived failure, it is easier to choose:

Are you willing to be a bad parent? Are you willing to choose what you feel is best for you and your family, despite what social expectations may dictate?

Are you willing to be vulnerable in front of your children? Are you willing to see your child’s contribution to the family as equal to your own? Are you willing to empower them by asking questions?

Are you willing to listen to your children? Parents often talk too much and many press their own perspective – what is right, wrong or acceptable – onto the child without any acknowledgment of the child’s awareness.

Are you willing to give your child whatever space they require, even if they choose silence? Often all that is required for a child to find solutions to their challenges is the space to explore their own perspective and capabilities. What if as a parent, you made sure to say “You’re an amazing being and you are gift to the world?”

When we, as parents, are willing to step into a kinder and more accepting view of ourselves, we offer an incredible gift to our children: the ability to live, learn, explore, strive and fall without ever judging themselves as wrong, inadequate or a failure.

Five questions you can ask when you feel like you have failed:

1. According to who am I failing?
2. Where did I buy the notion that I have to be perfect?
3. What if I have been doing the best I can, with the tools I have?
4. What’s right about me I’m not getting?
5. What is it that I know that is best for my child/family that I haven’t acknowledged?

About Sylvia Puentes: As an Author, Certified Facilitator of Access Consciousness®, Right Voice For You® Facilitator, Educator Empowerment Coach, International Speaker and Trainer, Sylvia Puentes contributes to people of all ages by sharing tools and techniques that can transform any area of life. Her work also includes courses in Public Speaking, Leadership and Employee engagement. Her kind presences creates a space of ease in working with individuals and groups to clear limitations and open the door to endless possibilities.   

Guest Post by Amy Williams

Is praising a child with a treat for a job well done an appropriate reward or blatant bribery? Some feel rewards undermine motivation and do nothing more than encourage negative behaviors by reinforcing them. Others strongly believe implementing a reward system helps establish work ethic, instills a sense of pride in doing something well, and provides positive reinforcement for appropriate behaviors.

The front side of the argument believes offering rewards, especially edible sugary ones, can lead to multiple negative effects, including health risks such as weight gain, cavities, increased risk for type II diabetes, obesity, high blood pressure, and elevated cholesterol levels. It also can lead to emotional eating, the encouragement of overall poor eating habits, and the creation of a nearly insatiable sweet tooth, all of which further perpetuate those health risks. Coexisting with this negative health argument is the fact many people see rewards as a way to get children to stop a negative behavior, instead of encouraging a positive one in the first place.

The other approach to the argument is the idea that a reward is a positive consequence for doing the right thing. Implemented appropriately, rewards can be used as an incentive for making good initial decisions and demonstrating acceptable behaviors.

Let’s break it down more specifically. Offering a treat to stop a negative behaviour, commonly known as bribery, most often happens during a time of chaos or crisis. Think of it as a desperate negotiating ploy to just make them stop. For example, you are at the doctor’s office and your child is pitching a fit and bouncing off the walls. You have no choice but to sit and wait for the doctor to see you, all the while the older women in the office are giving you dirty looks, and the men are offering you unsolicited advice on how they would handle the situation. You are likely to bribe your child with whatever she wants if she will just stop the behaviour NOW. Lo and behold, the pack of cookies from the vending machine does the trick, she quiets down, and you get to wait for the good doctor in relative peace. The problem with this in the long run is you didn’t control the situation, your child manipulated it. She got exactly what she wanted, when she wanted it, and you were played. This will likely become a strategy she will use again because it worked for her. But it doesn’t modify her behaviour in a positive way; it reinforces the negative action.

On the flip side of this, rewards are not discussed and negotiated in the heat of the moment. Ideally, a reward system is thoughtfully planned and tangible rewards are laid out ahead of time as an incentive for appropriate behaviours. Much like an adult receives a paycheck for doing a job and doing it well, rewards are concrete “payment” for your child following through with what was previously laid out in your expectations. Instead of bribing them to stop a negative behaviour, it is her “paycheck” for doing the right thing. When coupled with praise and encouragement, rewards can be highly effective in promoting similar behaviours in the future.

However, for a reward system to work, some careful consideration needs to take place before a reward is ever offered. Together, parent and child should create a list of possible rewards and the necessary expectations required to earn them. This instills motivation and incentive to earn them, and by letting the child help determine the rewards, she will be more willing to work for them. Rewards can range from a special activity with Mum and/or Dad, to a favourite outing. The key is to balance the reward system with conversation about appropriate behaviours, teaching and modelling the expectations to earn the rewards, and keeping the rewards reasonable in both frequency and cost. If the reward isn’t earned on these expectations, it should not be given, or the system will be invalid and ineffective.

With thoughtful planning, and firm boundaries, a reward system can be a powerful tool to help shape your child’s behaviours. It can help instil motivation, purposeful intent, and acceptable social skills that can be carried over into all aspects of a child’s life.

Do you have a reward system in place when it comes to encouraging positive behaviour in your kids?

Amy Williams is a free-lance journalist based in Southern California and mother of two. As a parent, she enjoys spreading the word on positive parenting techniques in the digital age and raising awareness on issues like cyberbullying and online safety.

Guest post by Amy Williams

Most of us use social media and rely on it to stay in touch with family, read the news, and follow our favourite bloggers and our children are joining the social revolution, also. Our kids love the fast paced world of instant communication with friends and the unlimited ways available to express themselves. These reasons have led to a surge in social media consumption among our children. One app that stands out in particular is Snapchat. According to Business Insider, Snapchat is currently the most popular app among our teens.

Snapchat 101: Things Parents Need to Know

Snapchat is a fun and engaging app for our kids, but it is critical that we understand the inner workings of this app so we can empower our sons and daughters with the skills needed to safely interact with their friends. The main drawing feature of Snapchat is that it relies on disappearing messages.

These messages and photos automatically delete after being viewed, which is a liberating concept for our kids. Teens enjoy the fleeting quality of this app, claiming it helps promote more authentic communication. Users don’t have to worry about creating a running timeline of every like, comment, photo, or post that occurs on almost every other social media giant.

A few years ago, this site implemented Stories which acts like a homepage or profile. A story is basically a compilation of all the chats a user has created or posted within 24 hours to let friends view them. This, coupled with the amusing filters the site has adopted, allows our sons and daughters unlimited opportunities to engage with their friends in a freeing manner that they don’t often get on other platforms.

However, teens have been known to be lured into a false sense of security with disappearing messages and sites like Snapchat. Occasionally, kids will use this app to take inappropriate pictures or sexts. Often our sons and daughters believe the images will disintegrate into the thin air, but they don’t realize that Snapchats can be screen-grabbed by someone on the receiving end. This can open a child up to extortion, sexting scandals, and cyberbullying. Snapchat even addresses this issue on their site telling people to “never post or send any nude or sexual content involving people under the age of 18- even yourself”.

10 Essential Tips to Keep Our Kids Safe

Snapchat is a favourite social media hangout among our kids and is probably here to stay. It is our job to protect our kids and even though we can’t look over their shoulder for every post, we can help set some guidelines to keep their safety a priority while enjoying the social media app. After all, it is the loving thing to do.

Listed below are 10 ways to keep our kids safe on Snapchat:

• Before downloading Snapchat, have a discussion that clarifies and outlines all your expectations. Make sure to include the dangers of sexting and remind children that the Internet never truly forgets.
• The app isn’t geared toward the 13 and under crowd, respect their age guidelines and only allow older teens to use Snapchat.
• Help a child adjust their privacy settings within the app.
• Encourage a teen to notify an adult if they receive anything that makes them uncomfortable.
• Let them know that it is okay to “just say no” to a sext request.
• If a teen encounters bullying or harassing messages they can directly contact Snapchat.
• Only have a child friend people they know in real life.
• Never share passwords or personal information with others, even their best friend or crush.
• If a child receives racy photos, immediately have them delete the image and send a message back to the sender telling them to stop sending those types of photos. This will help protect a child if they are ever prosecuted for sexting by the authorities.
• Teach them the “grandma rule”. They should only post items that they would feel comfortable with their grandparents seeing.

 What social media tips do you have for keeping kids safe online?

Amy Williams is a free-lance journalist based in Southern California and mother of two. As a parent, she enjoys spreading the word on positive parenting techniques in the digital age and raising awareness on issues like cyberbullying and online safety.

We were having such a grand old time including some serious chair dancing to George Michael (RIP) when I was suddenly interrupted by a man who plonked himself a little too close to me. he proceeded to exclaim that all his friends were ‘boring’ and he’d been wanting to come and talk to me all night.

He told me he had decided to ‘just do it’. I’m pretty sure this wasn’t the idea Nike had in mind when formulating their famous line.

His proximity and presence immediately made me feel uncomfortable, but I didn’t want to be rude so I engaged in (awkward) chat with him. After ten minutes or so, our ‘decision-maker’ had revealed a complete imperviousness to cues, and I was becoming very uncomfortable.

What was my exit plan?

I didn’t want to be rude but I also wanted to get back to all the fun my friends were having without me.

I mouthed to one of my girlfriends for ‘help’ and she politely asked him to leave.

This situation left me to ponder what made this man think he had the right to impose on my personal space. More importantly, why did I let him and why did I feel so helpless? Unfortunately, many women I know have had far too much experience with these awkward encounters.

On reflection, I realized the reason I got myself stuck in this situation, was because of my upbringing which had taught me to:

• Always be polite;
• Never hurt other people’s feelings;
• Always give hugs and kisses to your aunties and uncles to make them feel validated, even if you don’t want to;
• Quash your voice and comply with what your parents tell you to do otherwise you will get into trouble.

My upbringing had led me to believe that at this moment I was not in control of my space, and what a dangerous message this is for kids to receive. This learned behaviour was also what I was instilling in my own children!

It impressed upon me the important responsibility we have to teach our children to protect their personal space and boundaries and give them the tools to deal with such situations.

When teaching manners to our kids we need to let them know that they have the right to say no and teach them the unemotional (yet firm) way to do so.

We need to include conversations about situations that make them feel uncomfortable. Listen to them and not judge their answers. Ask them what would have helped to make them feel more comfortable.

We should model firm and unemotional words whenever we feel uncomfortable in a situation, and ‘role play’ with our kids.

We need to encourage our kids to have a voice and practice expressing things they want, such as “I’d like to go to an Italian restaurant tonight”. Simple stuff, but it will make it easier to say ‘no’ when they don’t want something.

We need to teach our children not to feel guilty or impolite if they need to pull someone up for invading their boundaries or even to ‘push back’ if their requests are ignored.

We also need to teach our children how to respect other people’s personal space.

We can’t assume that our children will intrinsically understand these values, so it’s our job to teach them to be respectful to each other from a young age (and at any age).

It seems obvious that Mr. Space Invader may not have been taught how to respect a woman and her personal space and behave appropriately.

We can teach our children to politely ask someone’s permission before entering their personal space, and help them understand boundaries. “Do you mind if I borrow your pencil”, “Is it ok if I play with your soccer ball” (instead of just taking it), “Hi, my name is so & so, do you mind if I join you?

Also teach them to look beyond words and how to read body language signs, signals, and cues and what they might mean.

In my scenario, perhaps I could have simply said “thanks for stopping by for a chat, but I’m here to spend some time with my girlfriends and I’d like to get back to them”.

It’s never too late to learn or pick up a life skill.

I’ll certainly be taking my own advice here!

When I got up this morning, my husband had already left for work.

The dishes were still sitting in the dishwasher.

The clothes in the washing basket hadn’t folded themselves.

None of the overflowing bins had been emptied.

The kids weren’t offering to help me with the morning chores.

And I could deal with all that.

Until my son gave me some lip .. which saw me walking off and sulking to the other room.

Birthday, schmurfday.

My daughter came in to check if I was all right and give me a hug and a kiss.

While I was walking her to school I received a text from my son ” Have a good birthday”.

I mentioned to me daughter ” He could have said I’m sorry”

She said: “Maybe that was his way of saying sorry”

Wise, comforting, beautiful words from my 10yr old girl, which filled my heart with love.

Words which turned out to be best birthday gift I could receive.

Words which made me know that I was doing ok at raising emphatic, kind, thoughtful children. They are far from perfect, trust me, but it’s times like these when you see glimpses of the beauty that lies within them and a reflection of the things you are getting right.

Birthday’s always make me introspective. Make me stop and observe where I’m at, where I’m headed, exactly who I am. 

My daughter’s words showed me the type of mother I am. Showed me what is most important to me in life. It’s not something I can honestly say I had contemplated before.

See, when it comes to parenting, I don’t focus the kids on what they will do in the future, or who they will be. For me, success is not defined by working hard to ‘get the right job’ and make a lot of money…

Emotional intelligence is where it’s at for me. Success is defined by kindness, empathy, sensitivity. All the while remembering and accepting that no one is perfect. We all make mistakes. We’re all doing our best. What’s important is it learn from those mistakes. Remembering also, that no two people are the same and it’s important to leave room for that. This is the message I am instilling in my kids.

“Have a good birthday” – was my son’s way of saying sorry. I wasn’t in a place to see it that way. My daughter saw things from both sides, that moment of empathy helped me through and made my day.

So that’s enough contemplation for one day. It’s time for me to jig work and treat myself to an hour long relaxing facial. 

The day is turning out perfectly after all.

Bren x