Everyone’s journey to parenthood is unique and different and I support PERINATAL DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY AWARENESS  (PANDA) to encourage parents, both old and new, to speak out and begin honest conversations about parenthood in the hope of encouraging others who may be suffering to reach out and ask for help.

Here’s my story……

After a difficult pregnancy due to pubic symphisitis (read: very painful!), a low lying placenta, and significant weight gain, here I am out to dinner with my husband and friends, on the night I went into labour. Little did I know how my life was going to change beyond what I could ever imagine.

Labour came on fast and furious, intense contractions straight away and without much warning. Almost a metaphor for how motherhood ensued.

Nothing to worry about though, I was ready, wasn’t I? All those natural birthing classes I had attended, and “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” was my bible. I had this in the bag.

But what I got was 26 hours of excruciatingly painful, drug-free (except a bit of gas) labour, a cervix that wouldn’t dilate, a baby who was completely stuck and what followed with an emergency C-section. Six hours after his birth, my baby developed pneumonia (because they left me dilated too long before conducting the caesarian) and was whisked away into intensive care.

I did not get to feed him, hold him, soothe him until a week after his birth. This wasn’t in the plan.

I will never forget the night, maybe three nights later, when I received a call from the nurse in intensive care asking my permission to allow her to give my baby the dummy. He was crying inconsolably, she said, and she needed to try to soothe him. I could hear his wailing in the background.

This was the moment I broke, the memory is still so raw I’ve got tears streaming now. I had lost control of everything I had dreamed of, the easy conception, the natural birth, the bonding, the breastfeeding. These seemed nothing more than idealised fantasies when now, it was down to a piece of plastic to do the job of soothing my baby who was in distress, and I could do nothing about it.

Wasn’t it enough already that it took me 4 painful years to be able to hold this miracle child in my arms?

So there I was in hospital hand pumping milk from my breasts in the hope of getting that life-giving colostrum into my child. All the while well- meaning visitors were stopping by mid-pump, to offer their congratulations. It wasn’t long before I started to fall apart.

Let’s just say from woe to go,  breastfeeding was a complete disaster. The fact that my son wasn’t able to go on the breast straight after birth made breastfeeding that more challenging. Think cracked, bloody, painful nipples for want of trying, and add to that an over-supply of milk which caused my let downs to force milk down his throat like a fire hydrant going off. And I would have at least 5 let downs each side. I ended up pumping milk 5 times a day for that first year, pumping, washing, sterilising, repeat…

Once home my baby just didn’t sleep, he had reflux and was irritable most of the time (who could blame him), in fact he was the opposite of everything those evil textbooks told me he would be. Soon I found I was completely dreading getting out of bed and I didn’t want to see my baby. I felt completely lost and alone, confused and deeply depressed. I had also developed acute insomnia and extreme anxiety.

Perinatal anxiety and depression does not discriminate – it affects people across all communities regardless of age, income or geography, and the way people are affected is not black and white. And it got me bad.

Within a few weeks I realised I wasn’t going to survive this dark place I had descended into. Gathering up all of my courage, I set forth to find the answers to end my pain and suffering and make me feel myself again and turn up each day to be the mother of my child.

I thank God for the psychiatrist who treated me from the Anxiety Clinic at St Vincents Hospital in Sydney. She was my saviour, somebody who instantly understood who I was and what I was experiencing. She took me in and taught me tools, insights and techniques which led to my healing. It was hard work, but I got there, and till this day I use the tools she taught me to lessen the hold that anxiety threatens to have over me.

After my first meeting with my psychiatrist, she told me it was her goal to get me wanting to have another baby, to which I instantly replied, ” Never and not on your life”. Yet much later on, on our final session, I recall taking her in a bunch of roses, thanking her for everything she had done for me and sharing the news that I was indeed, pregnant!

Here I am 15 weeks pregnant, this time I did not have to wait to be able to conceive….

….. the birth went smoothly and it was natural and I got to hold my little girl in my arms straight away. Breastfeeding was still a challenge due to my over-supply, so by three months I was doing the pump routine again, but I didn’t spiral into depression and severe anxiety this time around.

I was ok. I am more than ok and my kids and I are doing great.

If anyone out there is reading this and can relate, please know you don’t have to suffer in silence. Reach out to a friend, family member, doctor, if they don’t understand then find someone else to talk to. Please consider calling PANDA,  what they have to offer is truly wonderful.

 Bren x

This week I’d like to show my support for Perinatal Depression and Anxiety Awareness Week, and to encourage parents to reach out and ask for help, and for friends, families, doctors, communities to open their hearts and listen with understanding. We need to start having honest conversations about parenthood.

Today I’d like to share with you Bec’s Story:

In August 2012 Louis was born four weeks early. He and I certainly faced the standard gamut of newborn challenges – reflux and feeding every 3 hours he wasn’t able to breastfeed (as a premature baby).

It was at around 6 weeks old that the wheels metaphorically “fell off” for me. It happened rapidly and severely over a period of about 72 hours.  As a professional I was previously accustomed to – perceptibly – being in control of much in my life; I wasn’t aware of what was unfolding.

I found myself laying on my back at the local park, pram in tow, unable to get up. That initial call to my Mum was not just physically hard but mentally challenging. All I could think was “how do I tell the woman who raised two children without wavering that I’m not able to do the role after 6 weeks. I learned straight away the value of straight talk and to dismiss the instinct to try and mask the struggles of reality. From here on we began educating one another while she creating a sense of normality in what was an extremely abnormal circumstance to me.

For the next 6 months I did not drive my car, my husband struggled as he worked from home trying to hold down a demanding CEO role, as I required someone with me twenty four hours a day as a result of acute anxiety. I would regularly start my day as late as 4pm. My husband carried out the morning routine and would often be up for feeds at 2am and be tapping away on his laptop to stay afloat at work.

A combination of support from family, friends, a psychiatrist, psychologist, an amazing GP and patience and determination to change things, great improvement followed but it took time.

Two things that came into my life that were pivotal in shifting my anxiety into confidence were the Anglicare program, Little Oaks, and my employment with lululemon athletica. The Little Oaks program was a one of its kind in South Australia where mothers and their children interact in a safe and supportive environment. Qualified professionals convened the group then see to the children freeing up the mums to engage in morning tea, conversation and structured creative and journaling activities. This became a beacon in my week. It peeled away layers of isolation and gave me insight into my situation.

The confidence I re-established over the program’s 16 weeks took me from thinking I’d never gain employment again to becoming a leading part of a global company. The key for me was making the choice to be completely transparent with my employer and in turn being afforded respect, development opportunities and trust.

While now PND is always with me it shines a light on things that aren’t necessarily serving me in my life giving me the opportunity to alter my thoughts, outlook, and approach to circumstances. Anxiety, for me, has been reduced om severity and duration by being open and honest with myself and those who understand me. Learning to identify challenges or triggers and have “tools in your tool box” to apply to situations is a valuable asset.

I think that with a positive perspective anything is possible; it may just take some time.

If you know a new parent, take a moment this week to check in with them and ask how they are going. Parenthood can be really tough and parents need to know that it’s ok to reach out for help. For support, please call PANDA’s National Helpline on 1300 726 306 Mon-Fri 10-5pm AEST or visit www.panda.org.au