She told me that one of their mutual friends came up and asked her opinion..

Friend: “Do you think ‘crying girl’ should have been that upset?!”…(the suggestion was that she was overreacting and the delivery was inviting gossip).

My daughter: ” I don’t know, because I don’t know how she was feeling inside”. And then they moved on with their day.

Me: Pretty over the moon that my daughter didn’t engage in any judgement or gossip and rather suggested that empathy was required in this situation. If I sound proud, it’s because I am!

Now, I don’t mean to sound all judge-y about gossip because it’s not all  black and white. I actually think there’s healthy gossip and not so healthy gossip and many complicated reasons why we do it. It’s a subject I talk to my kids about a lot. My daughter even admits it ‘feels good’ to gossip, and I totally know what she means. Statistics show that women spend five hours a day gossiping! That’s nuts!

Here’s he official definition of gossip as it appears in the Cambridge Dictionary:

conversation or reports about other people’s private lives that might be unkind, disapproving, or not true

Here’s my take on the good, the bad and the ugly of gossip for male, female and all ages …

When gossip can be healthy.

• When it helps us fit in with others. We all like the feeling that we belong somewhere.
• When we need to process our own experiences, seeking perspective on the matter by confiding in a friend.
• It can help us and children figure out peer group relationships, what’s going on with them, who they can trust.
• It can create a sense of intimacy.
• When we share we gain comfort, compassion, clarity, encouragement,  truth and healing.

It’s important to recognise that even when gossip isn’t coming from a mean and nasty place, it can still easily hurt other people’s feelings.

When gossip hurts.

• Personal feelings of insecurity or low self-esteem can develop into the more harmful type of gossip.
• When gossip forms out of envy, hurt, confusion, and hatred.
• When the purpose of gossip is to make you feel better about your own life.
• When it harms reputations and feelings.
• When you’re sharing unflattering and judgemental information about someone.
• When you use it as a way to feel superior to others.
• When it leads to conflict.

A recent study in Pediatrics reveals that more teenage girls are suffering from depression than they have at any other point in history—and gossip being shared about them on social media is partly to blame.

How do we become gossipers?

• It’s a learned trait, our kids are watching and listening to us. Researchers note that parents who criticise others are more likely to raise aggressive teenagers who instigate fights with their peers and gossip about them.
• We hear our friends parents gossip.
• We hear older siblings and older kids do it.
• We see characters on TV shows engage in gossip.
• Our bodies release oxytocin, the pleasure hormone, when we gossip, so we seek out more.

Before you engage in gossip next time, ask yourself …’Why am I sharing this? What is my goal?’, and just by taking that moment you will be able to decide if it’s the good gossip or the bad kind. Ask your kids to do the same.

Bren x

Even though this term is more widely used, the true meaning is often unclear. To be resilient is to be able to “bounce back” from a stressful event or situation. Just as important, is to then identify the emotional impact. No point in bouncing back if you have not learnt something useful for next time.

We would all like our children to be resilient. As a parent, I want to know that my children’s “toolbox” of coping skills is ever growing and, that they have the capacity to pull out skills as required, to get through life’s adversities. We have a crucial role as parents to help build our child’s resilience so here are 5 ways to think about how.

Empathy is showing that you understand someone else. Be empathetic toward your child by validating when they share what they feel and what they think about things. This reassures them that you value what they say. By role modeling empathy toward others, your child will learn to ‘feel’ for others (compassion) and consider what another person may be experiencing.

Good Communication is a big area. The main ingredients here are to really listen to what your child is saying or trying to say and, to consider how you might respond. Try to respond in a way that helps your child to feel heard and understood, even if you don’t agree! By role modeling ‘turn taking’ in the acts of speaking and responding, you will promote a consultative process instead of a power struggle which can often lead to “telling” your child how to feel and what to do.

Problem Solving is one of the greatest life skills you can teach your child. This process allows for lots of learning. Encourage your child to identify the problem and come up with possible solutions. With your guidance, consult about what options may be best and help your child to choose one. It is important to then review their choice and talk about whether it worked or not and why. What a great way to empower your child and build their confidence. Sadly, I have worked with many adults that could not solve a problem if their life depended on it!

Opportunities to be responsible are great ways to increase your child’s confidence in their own abilities. This also strengthens their self-esteem. Encourage your child to help others even if only in a small way. Give your child tasks to be responsible for at home to help them value their home and what’s in it! If you believe in your child, they will believe in themselves and this positive sense of self will encourage independence and a “Can Do” attitude.

Show Love in different ways. Hearing that you are loved is wonderful but so is feeling it and getting a sense of it. Write little notes in your child’s lunchbox, get a small whiteboard for their room and write up nice messages for them to read when they get home or wake up in the morning, surprise them with little treats (homemade is great!) and praise them when they don’t expect it. These are ways to help your child feel secure and loved no matter what stresses they are coping with.

As you can see, building resilience in our children is easier than you think. With patience and understanding try out one or more of the 5 ways I have suggested to make a start.

Michelle Hatzisavvas is a Child & Family Psychologist and Mum of 3. March 2013.