The reality is, kids need to feel connected, to feel part of a group, to feel loved. But it doesn’t always work out this way. We assume friendship comes naturally to kids. But it isn’t always the case.

Studies show that children who have friends are more likely to be self-confident and perform better academically at school than those without friends. It’s also a determining factor in the future happiness of our children. When children have difficulty making friends or keeping them, it often leads to feelings of loneliness and unhappiness. Regular rejection isn’t easy. Just ask any actor!

Teaching my kids about friendship has sometimes been painful for me. Things haven’t always gone smoothly for them, and they have often felt lost and empty. It can break a parent’s heart.

It’s very confusing for children who try to figure out why they aren’t fitting in. And as a parent it’s easy to fall into the trap of trying to find the answer, but from experience, you can search till the cows come home, but there may not be any concrete reasons.

So what can we do as parents when our children asks us:

What have I done so that others don’t like me?
Why does ‘so and so’ always get up and move when I sit next them?
Why am I always picked last for the team?
Why aren’t I invited over to anyone’s place?

These can be tough questions to answer but guiding our children on some skills like empathy, problem-solving, negotiating, cooperation and communication can definitely help them socially, but I believe it’s important not to focus on what they may be “doing wrong” but rather guide them towards believing in themselves and celebrating who they are. Help them to understand the differences which exist between all humans and that while everyone wants to “fit”, sometimes it can take time to find even one true friend.

Let your children know that the world is full of thousands of people and that one day they will find a friend who-

• loves them for who they are
• connects with their soul
• brings out the best in them
• unconditionally accepts them for who they are
• laughs at all their jokes (good and bad!)
• forgives them when they let them down
• shares their dreams and beliefs
• sticks up for them
• trusts them with their secrets and feelings
• makes them feel like an equal
• and loves being around the light that they shine out into the world and which they should never, ever try to dim as thats what makes them special,wonderful and loveable

I am personally blessed with some of the best friends a girl could have.  No matter how much time passes, or how infrequently we get to connect in this busy life, whatever I may be going through, they make me feel special, important, always welcome, and always loved. These same relationships have their highs and lows and can be painful at times, that’s life, but ultimately they are steadfast and true.

I take faith in knowing that one day this will happen for my kids too.

Have your children had issues with fitting in? How have you chosen to address it? I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Bren x

And luckily I’m one of them!

Last week I had the pleasure of attending the 10th annual ‘Happiness & Its Causes’ conference which saw the world’s brightest minds in psychology, science, education, business, religion and the arts come together to educate and inspire thousands of people at Sydney’s beautiful Luna Park. I also had the good fortune to hear the Dalai Lama speak those inspiring words above and so many more.

On reflection, His Holiness took me back to when I was 18yrs old and and had decided that my life’s course would see me striving for love, connection, compassion, empathy, purpose and happiness. Without doubt, this path has been circuitous, and continues to experience curve balls, but his words reignited my trust and belief in human nature and what we can collectively achieve. And just maybe that means happiness too!

Charlie Scudamore, principal at Geelong Grammar is another exemplary human who is fighting for happiness. He has introduced Positive Psychology to his school and is passionate about finding what he and other teachers can do to improve the lives of children.

Mr Scudamore says.

“We would like to make the world a more peaceful and kinder place,”

In our affluent nation, there are so many young people with eating disorders, depression, anxiety, stress.

However, there are many schools around the world who are beginning to embed positive psychology in their curriculum. “We teach it as a subject, alongside mathematics and history,” he says. Thinking back, I reckon I could have used one of his positivity classes after a double period of maths!

He believes, and I agree, that education has been hijacked by too much assessment. He states that while it’s good to have academic success, the ‘developed countries’ have lost their way by focusing too much on outcomes and less on positive well being. Mr Scudamore’s focus is on creating  positive communities through our schools, classrooms, families and organisations by focusing on wellbeing. Specifically, he believes these 5 things can help shape positive communities:

• Trust
• Compassion
• Integrity
• Forgiveness
• And above all else, HOPE

He believes that if our children leave school with a developed sense of co-operation, kindness, and doing good things for other people, the world just may end up being a better place.

Both speakers believe that modern education has a strong orientation towards materialism and that we  need to question whether this will result in positive human beings and bring happiness to people.

“A materialistic life is no guarantee for inner peace or inner happiness, yet inner peace is the ultimate source of a happy life”

And one of my biggest a-ha! moments occurred with the realisation that self-care and self-worth wasn’t some new-age indulgence at all. It makes a whole lot more sense to regard taking care of oneself as something we owe to ourselves, to society and our communities.

“Micro moments of connection are not just about our own health, but also about the other person we are connecting with…..Working on yourself is not hedonistic, rather self-improvement will ripple out affects to the next person and then the community”

So it seems the secret to happiness for us and our children doesn’t lie in the latest iPad or Netflix (as fun as they can undoubtedly be), but rather lies in being loving and compassionate human beings, connectedness, self improvement, service to society, mindfulness and love.

Bren x

Even though this term is more widely used, the true meaning is often unclear. To be resilient is to be able to “bounce back” from a stressful event or situation. Just as important, is to then identify the emotional impact. No point in bouncing back if you have not learnt something useful for next time.

We would all like our children to be resilient. As a parent, I want to know that my children’s “toolbox” of coping skills is ever growing and, that they have the capacity to pull out skills as required, to get through life’s adversities. We have a crucial role as parents to help build our child’s resilience so here are 5 ways to think about how.

Empathy is showing that you understand someone else. Be empathetic toward your child by validating when they share what they feel and what they think about things. This reassures them that you value what they say. By role modeling empathy toward others, your child will learn to ‘feel’ for others (compassion) and consider what another person may be experiencing.

Good Communication is a big area. The main ingredients here are to really listen to what your child is saying or trying to say and, to consider how you might respond. Try to respond in a way that helps your child to feel heard and understood, even if you don’t agree! By role modeling ‘turn taking’ in the acts of speaking and responding, you will promote a consultative process instead of a power struggle which can often lead to “telling” your child how to feel and what to do.

Problem Solving is one of the greatest life skills you can teach your child. This process allows for lots of learning. Encourage your child to identify the problem and come up with possible solutions. With your guidance, consult about what options may be best and help your child to choose one. It is important to then review their choice and talk about whether it worked or not and why. What a great way to empower your child and build their confidence. Sadly, I have worked with many adults that could not solve a problem if their life depended on it!

Opportunities to be responsible are great ways to increase your child’s confidence in their own abilities. This also strengthens their self-esteem. Encourage your child to help others even if only in a small way. Give your child tasks to be responsible for at home to help them value their home and what’s in it! If you believe in your child, they will believe in themselves and this positive sense of self will encourage independence and a “Can Do” attitude.

Show Love in different ways. Hearing that you are loved is wonderful but so is feeling it and getting a sense of it. Write little notes in your child’s lunchbox, get a small whiteboard for their room and write up nice messages for them to read when they get home or wake up in the morning, surprise them with little treats (homemade is great!) and praise them when they don’t expect it. These are ways to help your child feel secure and loved no matter what stresses they are coping with.

As you can see, building resilience in our children is easier than you think. With patience and understanding try out one or more of the 5 ways I have suggested to make a start.

Michelle Hatzisavvas is a Child & Family Psychologist and Mum of 3. March 2013.