She told me that one of their mutual friends came up and asked her opinion..

Friend: “Do you think ‘crying girl’ should have been that upset?!”…(the suggestion was that she was overreacting and the delivery was inviting gossip).

My daughter: ” I don’t know, because I don’t know how she was feeling inside”. And then they moved on with their day.

Me: Pretty over the moon that my daughter didn’t engage in any judgement or gossip and rather suggested that empathy was required in this situation. If I sound proud, it’s because I am!

Now, I don’t mean to sound all judge-y about gossip because it’s not all  black and white. I actually think there’s healthy gossip and not so healthy gossip and many complicated reasons why we do it. It’s a subject I talk to my kids about a lot. My daughter even admits it ‘feels good’ to gossip, and I totally know what she means. Statistics show that women spend five hours a day gossiping! That’s nuts!

Here’s he official definition of gossip as it appears in the Cambridge Dictionary:

conversation or reports about other people’s private lives that might be unkind, disapproving, or not true

Here’s my take on the good, the bad and the ugly of gossip for male, female and all ages …

When gossip can be healthy.

• When it helps us fit in with others. We all like the feeling that we belong somewhere.
• When we need to process our own experiences, seeking perspective on the matter by confiding in a friend.
• It can help us and children figure out peer group relationships, what’s going on with them, who they can trust.
• It can create a sense of intimacy.
• When we share we gain comfort, compassion, clarity, encouragement,  truth and healing.

It’s important to recognise that even when gossip isn’t coming from a mean and nasty place, it can still easily hurt other people’s feelings.

When gossip hurts.

• Personal feelings of insecurity or low self-esteem can develop into the more harmful type of gossip.
• When gossip forms out of envy, hurt, confusion, and hatred.
• When the purpose of gossip is to make you feel better about your own life.
• When it harms reputations and feelings.
• When you’re sharing unflattering and judgemental information about someone.
• When you use it as a way to feel superior to others.
• When it leads to conflict.

A recent study in Pediatrics reveals that more teenage girls are suffering from depression than they have at any other point in history—and gossip being shared about them on social media is partly to blame.

How do we become gossipers?

• It’s a learned trait, our kids are watching and listening to us. Researchers note that parents who criticise others are more likely to raise aggressive teenagers who instigate fights with their peers and gossip about them.
• We hear our friends parents gossip.
• We hear older siblings and older kids do it.
• We see characters on TV shows engage in gossip.
• Our bodies release oxytocin, the pleasure hormone, when we gossip, so we seek out more.

Before you engage in gossip next time, ask yourself …’Why am I sharing this? What is my goal?’, and just by taking that moment you will be able to decide if it’s the good gossip or the bad kind. Ask your kids to do the same.

Bren x

Guest Post by Amy Williams

Is praising a child with a treat for a job well done an appropriate reward or blatant bribery? Some feel rewards undermine motivation and do nothing more than encourage negative behaviors by reinforcing them. Others strongly believe implementing a reward system helps establish work ethic, instills a sense of pride in doing something well, and provides positive reinforcement for appropriate behaviors.

The front side of the argument believes offering rewards, especially edible sugary ones, can lead to multiple negative effects, including health risks such as weight gain, cavities, increased risk for type II diabetes, obesity, high blood pressure, and elevated cholesterol levels. It also can lead to emotional eating, the encouragement of overall poor eating habits, and the creation of a nearly insatiable sweet tooth, all of which further perpetuate those health risks. Coexisting with this negative health argument is the fact many people see rewards as a way to get children to stop a negative behavior, instead of encouraging a positive one in the first place.

The other approach to the argument is the idea that a reward is a positive consequence for doing the right thing. Implemented appropriately, rewards can be used as an incentive for making good initial decisions and demonstrating acceptable behaviors.

Let’s break it down more specifically. Offering a treat to stop a negative behaviour, commonly known as bribery, most often happens during a time of chaos or crisis. Think of it as a desperate negotiating ploy to just make them stop. For example, you are at the doctor’s office and your child is pitching a fit and bouncing off the walls. You have no choice but to sit and wait for the doctor to see you, all the while the older women in the office are giving you dirty looks, and the men are offering you unsolicited advice on how they would handle the situation. You are likely to bribe your child with whatever she wants if she will just stop the behaviour NOW. Lo and behold, the pack of cookies from the vending machine does the trick, she quiets down, and you get to wait for the good doctor in relative peace. The problem with this in the long run is you didn’t control the situation, your child manipulated it. She got exactly what she wanted, when she wanted it, and you were played. This will likely become a strategy she will use again because it worked for her. But it doesn’t modify her behaviour in a positive way; it reinforces the negative action.

On the flip side of this, rewards are not discussed and negotiated in the heat of the moment. Ideally, a reward system is thoughtfully planned and tangible rewards are laid out ahead of time as an incentive for appropriate behaviours. Much like an adult receives a paycheck for doing a job and doing it well, rewards are concrete “payment” for your child following through with what was previously laid out in your expectations. Instead of bribing them to stop a negative behaviour, it is her “paycheck” for doing the right thing. When coupled with praise and encouragement, rewards can be highly effective in promoting similar behaviours in the future.

However, for a reward system to work, some careful consideration needs to take place before a reward is ever offered. Together, parent and child should create a list of possible rewards and the necessary expectations required to earn them. This instills motivation and incentive to earn them, and by letting the child help determine the rewards, she will be more willing to work for them. Rewards can range from a special activity with Mum and/or Dad, to a favourite outing. The key is to balance the reward system with conversation about appropriate behaviours, teaching and modelling the expectations to earn the rewards, and keeping the rewards reasonable in both frequency and cost. If the reward isn’t earned on these expectations, it should not be given, or the system will be invalid and ineffective.

With thoughtful planning, and firm boundaries, a reward system can be a powerful tool to help shape your child’s behaviours. It can help instil motivation, purposeful intent, and acceptable social skills that can be carried over into all aspects of a child’s life.

Do you have a reward system in place when it comes to encouraging positive behaviour in your kids?

Amy Williams is a free-lance journalist based in Southern California and mother of two. As a parent, she enjoys spreading the word on positive parenting techniques in the digital age and raising awareness on issues like cyberbullying and online safety.