Guest post by Sylvia Puentos

To me, the word failure is highly charged and disturbingly absolute. To fail means that you are wrong; that you are inadequate, incompetent or ‘not enough’. A 2014 study found that 70% of parents feel judged regularly by others around them, including by strangers. As yet, there are no statistics on how many of us judge ourselves, nor how often we turn our criticism inward because of some perceived lack of parenting ability.

We, as a society, have created a false ideal around raising children; we have come to believe that there are set guidelines to being an effective parent. That there is a ‘right’ way. According to this learned limitation, if we can simply recognize where we are failing in our role as a parent (or if we are told by others) then we can find ways to fix it.

But what if it doesn’t have to be this way? What if we were willing to confront the idea that failure doesn’t actually exist?

Failure is a fabrication of society and it is built around an ever-changing set of ideals. (That which was regarded as good parenting a century ago may be maligned today, and vice versa.) When we buy into failure it sticks with us and it creates a vortex of wrongness. Just like digging a hole, it is easy to fall so deep into a spiral of judgement and perceived failure that it is almost impossible to climb back out.

One of the most important things we can understand as parents is that our offspring learn how to ‘be’ in this world, through observation and example. When children observe their parents struggling with the rightness and wrongness of their role – when they watch mothers and/or fathers succumb to judgement from self and others – they, too, learn to approach life in this way.

It is in this way – by mimicking the behaviors of their parents – that children learn to judge themselves as ‘wrong’ or ‘a failure’ when they make a not-so-good choice or decision.

But what if we could learn to function as parents (and role models) from a place of allowance and kindness toward ourselves? What if, instead of measuring our choices and behaviours against a social ideal, we came to view parenting as an exploration. In this way, poor choices are not failings on our behalf – they are opportunities to learn more about what we would like our life (or our relationship with our children) to look like, and what we would like to change.

Parenting as an exploration

When we accept that parenting is an exploration, we remove any concept of success or failure. An explorer has not failed if their trekking brings them to an impassable river. It is simply a sign that the current direction is not working; they will need to adjust to venture further. So it is with parenting.

From this space, one of consideration and allowance, we become more open to the actual needs of our children. Specifically, without the fear of perceived failure, it is easier to choose:

Are you willing to be a bad parent? Are you willing to choose what you feel is best for you and your family, despite what social expectations may dictate?

Are you willing to be vulnerable in front of your children? Are you willing to see your child’s contribution to the family as equal to your own? Are you willing to empower them by asking questions?

Are you willing to listen to your children? Parents often talk too much and many press their own perspective – what is right, wrong or acceptable – onto the child without any acknowledgment of the child’s awareness.

Are you willing to give your child whatever space they require, even if they choose silence? Often all that is required for a child to find solutions to their challenges is the space to explore their own perspective and capabilities. What if as a parent, you made sure to say “You’re an amazing being and you are gift to the world?”

When we, as parents, are willing to step into a kinder and more accepting view of ourselves, we offer an incredible gift to our children: the ability to live, learn, explore, strive and fall without ever judging themselves as wrong, inadequate or a failure.

Five questions you can ask when you feel like you have failed:

1. According to who am I failing?
2. Where did I buy the notion that I have to be perfect?
3. What if I have been doing the best I can, with the tools I have?
4. What’s right about me I’m not getting?
5. What is it that I know that is best for my child/family that I haven’t acknowledged?

About Sylvia Puentes: As an Author, Certified Facilitator of Access Consciousness®, Right Voice For You® Facilitator, Educator Empowerment Coach, International Speaker and Trainer, Sylvia Puentes contributes to people of all ages by sharing tools and techniques that can transform any area of life. Her work also includes courses in Public Speaking, Leadership and Employee engagement. Her kind presences creates a space of ease in working with individuals and groups to clear limitations and open the door to endless possibilities.   

Guest Post by Amy Williams

Is praising a child with a treat for a job well done an appropriate reward or blatant bribery? Some feel rewards undermine motivation and do nothing more than encourage negative behaviors by reinforcing them. Others strongly believe implementing a reward system helps establish work ethic, instills a sense of pride in doing something well, and provides positive reinforcement for appropriate behaviors.

The front side of the argument believes offering rewards, especially edible sugary ones, can lead to multiple negative effects, including health risks such as weight gain, cavities, increased risk for type II diabetes, obesity, high blood pressure, and elevated cholesterol levels. It also can lead to emotional eating, the encouragement of overall poor eating habits, and the creation of a nearly insatiable sweet tooth, all of which further perpetuate those health risks. Coexisting with this negative health argument is the fact many people see rewards as a way to get children to stop a negative behavior, instead of encouraging a positive one in the first place.

The other approach to the argument is the idea that a reward is a positive consequence for doing the right thing. Implemented appropriately, rewards can be used as an incentive for making good initial decisions and demonstrating acceptable behaviors.

Let’s break it down more specifically. Offering a treat to stop a negative behaviour, commonly known as bribery, most often happens during a time of chaos or crisis. Think of it as a desperate negotiating ploy to just make them stop. For example, you are at the doctor’s office and your child is pitching a fit and bouncing off the walls. You have no choice but to sit and wait for the doctor to see you, all the while the older women in the office are giving you dirty looks, and the men are offering you unsolicited advice on how they would handle the situation. You are likely to bribe your child with whatever she wants if she will just stop the behaviour NOW. Lo and behold, the pack of cookies from the vending machine does the trick, she quiets down, and you get to wait for the good doctor in relative peace. The problem with this in the long run is you didn’t control the situation, your child manipulated it. She got exactly what she wanted, when she wanted it, and you were played. This will likely become a strategy she will use again because it worked for her. But it doesn’t modify her behaviour in a positive way; it reinforces the negative action.

On the flip side of this, rewards are not discussed and negotiated in the heat of the moment. Ideally, a reward system is thoughtfully planned and tangible rewards are laid out ahead of time as an incentive for appropriate behaviours. Much like an adult receives a paycheck for doing a job and doing it well, rewards are concrete “payment” for your child following through with what was previously laid out in your expectations. Instead of bribing them to stop a negative behaviour, it is her “paycheck” for doing the right thing. When coupled with praise and encouragement, rewards can be highly effective in promoting similar behaviours in the future.

However, for a reward system to work, some careful consideration needs to take place before a reward is ever offered. Together, parent and child should create a list of possible rewards and the necessary expectations required to earn them. This instills motivation and incentive to earn them, and by letting the child help determine the rewards, she will be more willing to work for them. Rewards can range from a special activity with Mum and/or Dad, to a favourite outing. The key is to balance the reward system with conversation about appropriate behaviours, teaching and modelling the expectations to earn the rewards, and keeping the rewards reasonable in both frequency and cost. If the reward isn’t earned on these expectations, it should not be given, or the system will be invalid and ineffective.

With thoughtful planning, and firm boundaries, a reward system can be a powerful tool to help shape your child’s behaviours. It can help instil motivation, purposeful intent, and acceptable social skills that can be carried over into all aspects of a child’s life.

Do you have a reward system in place when it comes to encouraging positive behaviour in your kids?

Amy Williams is a free-lance journalist based in Southern California and mother of two. As a parent, she enjoys spreading the word on positive parenting techniques in the digital age and raising awareness on issues like cyberbullying and online safety.

When I got up this morning, my husband had already left for work.

The dishes were still sitting in the dishwasher.

The clothes in the washing basket hadn’t folded themselves.

None of the overflowing bins had been emptied.

The kids weren’t offering to help me with the morning chores.

And I could deal with all that.

Until my son gave me some lip .. which saw me walking off and sulking to the other room.

Birthday, schmurfday.

My daughter came in to check if I was all right and give me a hug and a kiss.

While I was walking her to school I received a text from my son ” Have a good birthday”.

I mentioned to me daughter ” He could have said I’m sorry”

She said: “Maybe that was his way of saying sorry”

Wise, comforting, beautiful words from my 10yr old girl, which filled my heart with love.

Words which turned out to be best birthday gift I could receive.

Words which made me know that I was doing ok at raising emphatic, kind, thoughtful children. They are far from perfect, trust me, but it’s times like these when you see glimpses of the beauty that lies within them and a reflection of the things you are getting right.

Birthday’s always make me introspective. Make me stop and observe where I’m at, where I’m headed, exactly who I am. 

My daughter’s words showed me the type of mother I am. Showed me what is most important to me in life. It’s not something I can honestly say I had contemplated before.

See, when it comes to parenting, I don’t focus the kids on what they will do in the future, or who they will be. For me, success is not defined by working hard to ‘get the right job’ and make a lot of money…

Emotional intelligence is where it’s at for me. Success is defined by kindness, empathy, sensitivity. All the while remembering and accepting that no one is perfect. We all make mistakes. We’re all doing our best. What’s important is it learn from those mistakes. Remembering also, that no two people are the same and it’s important to leave room for that. This is the message I am instilling in my kids.

“Have a good birthday” – was my son’s way of saying sorry. I wasn’t in a place to see it that way. My daughter saw things from both sides, that moment of empathy helped me through and made my day.

So that’s enough contemplation for one day. It’s time for me to jig work and treat myself to an hour long relaxing facial. 

The day is turning out perfectly after all.

Bren x

One minute I’m feeling happy, content, in flow, grateful and full of love, then something can happen and I feel fearful, anxious and totally STRESSED OUT!

Only yesterday, along with my partner Naturopath Naomi Judge, we were recording a webinar for the members of our Break Through! program, about the incredibly important area of stress.

We acknowledged stress is an unavoidable part of life and often out of our control. What we do have control over however, is reducing the amount of stress we experience and mitigating the harmful effects of the stress we just aren’t able to avoid.

Back to my last two days for a moment.

Well, let’s just say they’ve been ROUGH on a personal level!! And the stress of it all affected me on a physiological and psychological level. How do I know? Well I tuned into my mind and body and these were the things I noticed going on…

My muscles around my neck and shoulders were tight
I had headaches 
My tummy felt off
I was feeling exhausted
I was snappy
My breathing was shallow
My mind was catastrophising
Insomnia paid a visit
And I was just generally out of sorts

That’s a lot of symptoms right there!

It’s so easy to get stuck in our stressful situations and not allow ourselves to move on. Often we just don’t know how to move on. 

Our society doesn’t value self-care, so often we don’t have the tools to know how to deal with stress.

I didn’t allow myself to linger in my stressful place for too long as I would have once upon a time.

Awareness, consciousness and acknowledgment were the first steps in dealing with my stressful situation.

What did I do to ease my stress?  These small things helped me enormously…

Reached out to my husband for support
Called my brother for advice
Spoke to my mum for empathy
Observed my negative self-talk and gently changed it to positive self-talk
I took a nap (normally unheard of but I listened to my body and whilst napping my beautiful daughter took it upon herself to wash all the dishes in the sink. She sensed I needed some support)
Deep breaths
I may or may not have had a vodka on the rocks
I stayed in the moment rather than let my mind runaway with all the catastrophes it could think of
I went out for my morning walk and instantly felt my troubles wash away…here’s a pic…

Truth is, stress is wreaking havoc on our health in so many ways. It’s becoming chronic and prolonged and no amount of nutrient-dense food or supplements can save us.

It affects so many systems of our body, including our gut, it puts us at risk of various health and modern degenerative conditions like heart disease, diabetes, hypothyroidism and autoimmunity. It affects our physical body, our emotions and our psychology.  

Everything that happens to us has the potential to be a stressor. But we have control over this in the form of choice. We can reduce stress’s harmful affects by changing our attitude, improving our daily self-care routines and being mindful to avoid unnecessary stress.

Those stress management skills we acquire and implement, we need to start teaching them to our kids so that they will have healthy coping strategies to help them survive the rollercoaster of life. This will allow them to deal with stress in healthy ways and positively manage the inevitable stress that will turn up in their lives.

Bren x

A guest post by feeding specialist, Simone Emery from Play With Food

Simone is one the fussy eating experts we interview on our ecourse, Thrive, Raising Kids Who Love Real Food where she shares some invaluable tools to help you say goodbye to picky eating. We are running our only live round of Thrive starting 22nd May 2019! Find out more here. 

Over to you Simone …

Many of you wouldn’t be surprised there are growing trends linking technology usage with poorer nutrition selections, higher rates of inactivity and over eating.

We live in a digital world and the long term implications are still emerging. What is more concerning is that screen use has changed dramatically for our children and the ramifications are yet to be fully understood.

We use screens via our phones, our tablets, the TV and laptops, let alone in the work environment. Our children observe our screen use and they may have a range of screen options being offered to them from a very early age. A 2015 poll by the American Speech-Language-Hearing Association found that 24% of 2-year-olds had screens on during dinner and by the age of 8 this figure had risen to over 45%.

What is the impact on diets?

The research is mounting about the dietary impact of technologies and not very much of it is good news.

The main dietary impacts include a tendency towards lower dietary variety, increased consumption of foods that are ‘easier to eat’ and having a more sedentary lifestyle.

However, it’s not all doom and gloom for nutrition and screen time.

Yet, before diving into what to watch, I believe families should consider their own goals.

We need to set and protect boundaries about technology use.

We also need to set and protect the roles we play in providing, preparing and partaking in food.

I say “set and protect” specifically here because having the whole family on the same page helps avoid confusion that can lead to conflict (aka techno tantrums, mealtime meltdowns and ensuing stress).

It also means that you are mindful of this on a daily basis by protecting your boundaries. A family’s boundaries need to consider who, what (content), when and where.

The “what” of screen usage should definitely pass through a content filter appropriate to your family.

A good guideline for understanding the “what” of content for children is that the content should assist their development and is age appropriate.

So, you wouldn’t be surprised at finding content that helps nutrition (especially for kids) is not easy to find.

There are an amazing number of adverts, body image issues and negative self-talk weaved into digital content.

However, research shows that if screens are used with another person (known as co-viewing), the child learns from spontaneous conversation and there is more effective gate-keeping of appropriate messages.

Your conversations can be enriched significantly by co-viewing media with your child.

This is especially important for children that are still learning about new foods.

Yes, by cleverly using screens and the opportunities it affords you can have meaningful impact on diet.

Ideas of ways that you can co-view screens with your child to enhance their nutrition:

• How to guides for preparing fruits and vegetables (YouTube has some funny and unusual ways to prepare fruits and vegetables  
• Looking up recipes and watching cooking instructional videos
• Making your own cooking video
• Taking pictures of your meals together and discussing the physical properties of the meals together (a great idea for a food anxious child to remove pressure language from the mealtime but give you a chance to still have the food chat you want)
• Helping write a shopping list by googling pictures of the foods you want to buy
• Typing (writing) a kids recipe book full of your kids favorite homemade foods (like to your eBook?)
• Doing some kids yoga or exercise programs from a DVD / website. This will give them some great physical inputs to help increase their attention span at an upcoming meal.

In summary, technology use (ours and our children’s) is definitely part of our lives now.

However, cleverly defining boundaries, making sure we focus on the developmental needs of our children and working in co-viewed content will help you feel less guilty when you flick the switch on.

Simone

If you want more from Simone and other nutrition and parenting experts jump on over and take a look at our 21 day ecourse, Thrive, Raising Kids Who Love Real Food. The next live round starts 22nd May 2019! 

My friend knows me well enough to know that apart from the odd weekend away,  I have rarely gone away without my family.  So she texted me this invitation…

“Bali – 5 nights- I know it’s probably impossible for you but wanted to let you know as you’re more than welcome to join the girlie holiday”

My reply…

“You’re right, such a long shot!”

And these are all the things which instantly ran through my head…

But I run two businesses.
Who’s going to get the kids to school and back?
Who’s going to make them breakfast, recess, snacks and dinner?
Who’s going to take them and pick them up from their activities?
Who’s going to be there when they need a chat?
How’s my husband going to get extra time off work when we are already going to a cricket competition in the October school holidays?
But I barely see my husband, I’d rather be going away with him.
BUT I DON’T KNOW HOW TO BE AWAY FROM MY KIDS!!!

And there it was.

For all the excuses in the world the truth is, I don’t know how to be away from my kids. And they don’t know how to be away from me, and they certainly didn’t want me to go. 

For the last 12 years, I have lived and breathed motherhood. Sure I’ve worked for the last 4 years which has connected my soul to the world in a very meaningful way. I also have a wonderful social network which keeps me nice and busy. But number one, I am a mother and a homemaker….and I love it. Who the heck am I without that anyway? 

So, one very wise friend asked (ordered?) me “not to overthink it” (she may have seen this pattern in me once or twice before!).

At the same time my husband was really encouraging me to go too.

So with this little push, I allowed my mind to ‘go there’ and started to entertain these thoughts…

It might be a once in a lifetime opportunity to go Bali because my husband is not inclined to take our family there.
It should be ok for my husband to take a few days off work seeing as he works such long hours.
It will be good for me (or so everyone tells me!).
My kids are older now, it’s not like they are babies, they’ll be fine.
It will be fun and nice to take a little break from life.
All the other ladies going have kids and they can manage it.
I deserve it.

So I slowly became open to the idea, and I allowed my subconscious to guide me to figure it out. It took me weeks to make the decision. So long in fact that the other girls had long been booked and organised for the Bali trip, and they had to sort out squeezing me in to their accommodation! (Thanks Jo!).

Though my kids want this for me as they want me to be happy, I can see them fretting about me leaving.

I must admit the sense of freedom and breaking away from duty, duty, duty is and the relentlessness of domestic life is starting to wash over me.

It’s interesting how you can be happily carrying on with the routine of life, until something makes you stop and think about things philosophically. Seemingly small triggers which end up making you look deep within, understand, question, challenge and which sometimes lead to taking personal risks (no matter how small). I’ve been asked to holiday with friends several times before, but barely entertained the thought as clearly I was nowhere near ready. This time I was ready to explore.

Amazing isn’t it how it’s not just our kids who keep on growing, but we keep growing with them.

I leave soon and I’m excited! Already dreaming about which books I’ll take on the trip. One of my favourite activities is to disappear into great fiction when on holidays Do you have any recommendations? Please pop them in the comments for me!

I have a feeling taking a break for myself will be much easier next time around. I’ll be sure to fill you in on how I go.

Bren x

Everyone’s journey to parenthood is unique and different and I support PERINATAL DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY AWARENESS  (PANDA) to encourage parents, both old and new, to speak out and begin honest conversations about parenthood in the hope of encouraging others who may be suffering to reach out and ask for help.

Here’s my story……

After a difficult pregnancy due to pubic symphisitis (read: very painful!), a low lying placenta, and significant weight gain, here I am out to dinner with my husband and friends, on the night I went into labour. Little did I know how my life was going to change beyond what I could ever imagine.

Labour came on fast and furious, intense contractions straight away and without much warning. Almost a metaphor for how motherhood ensued.

Nothing to worry about though, I was ready, wasn’t I? All those natural birthing classes I had attended, and “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” was my bible. I had this in the bag.

But what I got was 26 hours of excruciatingly painful, drug-free (except a bit of gas) labour, a cervix that wouldn’t dilate, a baby who was completely stuck and what followed with an emergency C-section. Six hours after his birth, my baby developed pneumonia (because they left me dilated too long before conducting the caesarian) and was whisked away into intensive care.

I did not get to feed him, hold him, soothe him until a week after his birth. This wasn’t in the plan.

I will never forget the night, maybe three nights later, when I received a call from the nurse in intensive care asking my permission to allow her to give my baby the dummy. He was crying inconsolably, she said, and she needed to try to soothe him. I could hear his wailing in the background.

This was the moment I broke, the memory is still so raw I’ve got tears streaming now. I had lost control of everything I had dreamed of, the easy conception, the natural birth, the bonding, the breastfeeding. These seemed nothing more than idealised fantasies when now, it was down to a piece of plastic to do the job of soothing my baby who was in distress, and I could do nothing about it.

Wasn’t it enough already that it took me 4 painful years to be able to hold this miracle child in my arms?

So there I was in hospital hand pumping milk from my breasts in the hope of getting that life-giving colostrum into my child. All the while well- meaning visitors were stopping by mid-pump, to offer their congratulations. It wasn’t long before I started to fall apart.

Let’s just say from woe to go,  breastfeeding was a complete disaster. The fact that my son wasn’t able to go on the breast straight after birth made breastfeeding that more challenging. Think cracked, bloody, painful nipples for want of trying, and add to that an over-supply of milk which caused my let downs to force milk down his throat like a fire hydrant going off. And I would have at least 5 let downs each side. I ended up pumping milk 5 times a day for that first year, pumping, washing, sterilising, repeat…

Once home my baby just didn’t sleep, he had reflux and was irritable most of the time (who could blame him), in fact he was the opposite of everything those evil textbooks told me he would be. Soon I found I was completely dreading getting out of bed and I didn’t want to see my baby. I felt completely lost and alone, confused and deeply depressed. I had also developed acute insomnia and extreme anxiety.

Perinatal anxiety and depression does not discriminate – it affects people across all communities regardless of age, income or geography, and the way people are affected is not black and white. And it got me bad.

Within a few weeks I realised I wasn’t going to survive this dark place I had descended into. Gathering up all of my courage, I set forth to find the answers to end my pain and suffering and make me feel myself again and turn up each day to be the mother of my child.

I thank God for the psychiatrist who treated me from the Anxiety Clinic at St Vincents Hospital in Sydney. She was my saviour, somebody who instantly understood who I was and what I was experiencing. She took me in and taught me tools, insights and techniques which led to my healing. It was hard work, but I got there, and till this day I use the tools she taught me to lessen the hold that anxiety threatens to have over me.

After my first meeting with my psychiatrist, she told me it was her goal to get me wanting to have another baby, to which I instantly replied, ” Never and not on your life”. Yet much later on, on our final session, I recall taking her in a bunch of roses, thanking her for everything she had done for me and sharing the news that I was indeed, pregnant!

Here I am 15 weeks pregnant, this time I did not have to wait to be able to conceive….

….. the birth went smoothly and it was natural and I got to hold my little girl in my arms straight away. Breastfeeding was still a challenge due to my over-supply, so by three months I was doing the pump routine again, but I didn’t spiral into depression and severe anxiety this time around.

I was ok. I am more than ok and my kids and I are doing great.

If anyone out there is reading this and can relate, please know you don’t have to suffer in silence. Reach out to a friend, family member, doctor, if they don’t understand then find someone else to talk to. Please consider calling PANDA,  what they have to offer is truly wonderful.

 Bren x

The reality is, kids need to feel connected, to feel part of a group, to feel loved. But it doesn’t always work out this way. We assume friendship comes naturally to kids. But it isn’t always the case.

Studies show that children who have friends are more likely to be self-confident and perform better academically at school than those without friends. It’s also a determining factor in the future happiness of our children. When children have difficulty making friends or keeping them, it often leads to feelings of loneliness and unhappiness. Regular rejection isn’t easy. Just ask any actor!

Teaching my kids about friendship has sometimes been painful for me. Things haven’t always gone smoothly for them, and they have often felt lost and empty. It can break a parent’s heart.

It’s very confusing for children who try to figure out why they aren’t fitting in. And as a parent it’s easy to fall into the trap of trying to find the answer, but from experience, you can search till the cows come home, but there may not be any concrete reasons.

So what can we do as parents when our children asks us:

What have I done so that others don’t like me?
Why does ‘so and so’ always get up and move when I sit next them?
Why am I always picked last for the team?
Why aren’t I invited over to anyone’s place?

These can be tough questions to answer but guiding our children on some skills like empathy, problem-solving, negotiating, cooperation and communication can definitely help them socially, but I believe it’s important not to focus on what they may be “doing wrong” but rather guide them towards believing in themselves and celebrating who they are. Help them to understand the differences which exist between all humans and that while everyone wants to “fit”, sometimes it can take time to find even one true friend.

Let your children know that the world is full of thousands of people and that one day they will find a friend who-

• loves them for who they are
• connects with their soul
• brings out the best in them
• unconditionally accepts them for who they are
• laughs at all their jokes (good and bad!)
• forgives them when they let them down
• shares their dreams and beliefs
• sticks up for them
• trusts them with their secrets and feelings
• makes them feel like an equal
• and loves being around the light that they shine out into the world and which they should never, ever try to dim as thats what makes them special,wonderful and loveable

I am personally blessed with some of the best friends a girl could have.  No matter how much time passes, or how infrequently we get to connect in this busy life, whatever I may be going through, they make me feel special, important, always welcome, and always loved. These same relationships have their highs and lows and can be painful at times, that’s life, but ultimately they are steadfast and true.

I take faith in knowing that one day this will happen for my kids too.

Have your children had issues with fitting in? How have you chosen to address it? I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Bren x

And luckily I’m one of them!

Last week I had the pleasure of attending the 10th annual ‘Happiness & Its Causes’ conference which saw the world’s brightest minds in psychology, science, education, business, religion and the arts come together to educate and inspire thousands of people at Sydney’s beautiful Luna Park. I also had the good fortune to hear the Dalai Lama speak those inspiring words above and so many more.

On reflection, His Holiness took me back to when I was 18yrs old and and had decided that my life’s course would see me striving for love, connection, compassion, empathy, purpose and happiness. Without doubt, this path has been circuitous, and continues to experience curve balls, but his words reignited my trust and belief in human nature and what we can collectively achieve. And just maybe that means happiness too!

Charlie Scudamore, principal at Geelong Grammar is another exemplary human who is fighting for happiness. He has introduced Positive Psychology to his school and is passionate about finding what he and other teachers can do to improve the lives of children.

Mr Scudamore says.

“We would like to make the world a more peaceful and kinder place,”

In our affluent nation, there are so many young people with eating disorders, depression, anxiety, stress.

However, there are many schools around the world who are beginning to embed positive psychology in their curriculum. “We teach it as a subject, alongside mathematics and history,” he says. Thinking back, I reckon I could have used one of his positivity classes after a double period of maths!

He believes, and I agree, that education has been hijacked by too much assessment. He states that while it’s good to have academic success, the ‘developed countries’ have lost their way by focusing too much on outcomes and less on positive well being. Mr Scudamore’s focus is on creating  positive communities through our schools, classrooms, families and organisations by focusing on wellbeing. Specifically, he believes these 5 things can help shape positive communities:

• Trust
• Compassion
• Integrity
• Forgiveness
• And above all else, HOPE

He believes that if our children leave school with a developed sense of co-operation, kindness, and doing good things for other people, the world just may end up being a better place.

Both speakers believe that modern education has a strong orientation towards materialism and that we  need to question whether this will result in positive human beings and bring happiness to people.

“A materialistic life is no guarantee for inner peace or inner happiness, yet inner peace is the ultimate source of a happy life”

And one of my biggest a-ha! moments occurred with the realisation that self-care and self-worth wasn’t some new-age indulgence at all. It makes a whole lot more sense to regard taking care of oneself as something we owe to ourselves, to society and our communities.

“Micro moments of connection are not just about our own health, but also about the other person we are connecting with…..Working on yourself is not hedonistic, rather self-improvement will ripple out affects to the next person and then the community”

So it seems the secret to happiness for us and our children doesn’t lie in the latest iPad or Netflix (as fun as they can undoubtedly be), but rather lies in being loving and compassionate human beings, connectedness, self improvement, service to society, mindfulness and love.

Bren x

For our bodies and minds to function properly, the fuel we put into our bodies needs to be of the high-octane whole food and nutrient-dense variety, rather than the processed, packaged kind.

But there is far, far more to food than simply eating the stuff!

Using the ritual of meal time to bond as a family is one of the great joys of being a parent.

It’s that little window during the day (usually at the end) where the family as a unit is gathered in one place, and generally with undivided attention (hint: turn the TV off for best results). And when you can make yourself heard over some of the weird and wonderful snuffling, snorting noises that generally accompany kids and food, you can actually have a decent conversation. Maybe even find out a bit of ‘the goss’…

But more than that, it’s a time where subtle lessons can be taught and learned, and where the kids can find and appreciate themselves and others.

Here are some of the wonderful benefits of a simple, but regular, family meal time:

Family Time

Quality family interaction is so underrated! And can actually be a lot of fun (granted, not always).

Life’s busy, we all appreciate that, but a little bit of ritual doesn’t go astray. So sit down at a regular time, have a laugh and a joke, and have chat about what’s going on in each other’s lives (try not to lecture your kids about what they aren’t choosing not to eat). This sort of regularity forms strong bonds, strand by strand.

The routine of making time for each other also offers the opportunity to set an example and teach kids subtle lessons or life skills with undivided attention – about food, about manners, about connection, or just everyday issues.

Building Self Esteem

Being heard breeds confidence and self worth within a child. They intuitively understand they are valued for their conversation, thoughts and opinions, and by the very people who love them the most. This is one of the greatest gifts we can give our children.

This type of validation is more likely to encourage and equip them to speak more often in class and/or group situations.

Improved Linguistic Skills

Talking is a rather specific skill, believe it or not. When a child is allowed the space to really converse and express themselves, it helps them to develop their speech, vocabulary and conversational skills, build complex arguments and support their case fluently, and to organise their thoughts on the run.

Growing up with ethnic family and friends, it never ceased to amaze me how we could converse in our ethnic tongue so fluently and expressively, even if we couldn’t read it or write it. That was school’s job.

Language and Vocabulary Development

Language development, including slang and the common usage of words in their proper context helps to expand vocabulary, particularly of food & kitchen-related items (which is also a great benefit of letting children help in the kitchen). For younger children, saying a word as you engage in an action (like stirring or cutting) helps enhance their ability to infer.

Listening Skills

How many of us are good at this? I mean, truly? All of us need work in this area I would imagine, so why not expose the kids to this virtuous trait early on? Yeah, I know, it’s possibly harder than programming a Space Shuttle for NASA, especially when the little foghorns hit the volume, but we can only try.

Learning how to listen is an enormously beneficial cognitive tool, helping kids follow and engage in conversations as they extract and exchange important and/or interesting information. They learn the commonly accepted (or not, in some cases!) values of politely talking in turn and not interrupting excessively.

I’ll bet most people haven’t really thought about all these aspects of a simple family meal. And it’s not over thinking it either – all of these benefits happen daily to various degrees .So take advantage of meal times. While you’re busy having a bit of fun, you can also be mindful that your example and counsel spread out over the years actually mean something.

Do you have any rituals in your family? I’d love to hear from you.

Bren x