Why did I let that stranger invade my space?

I was at a local bar catching up with girlfriends I hadn’t seen for a while and celebrating a friend who had just returned from Ireland.

We were having such a grand old time including some serious chair dancing to George Michael (RIP) when I was suddenly interrupted by a man who plonked himself a little too close to me. he proceeded to exclaim that all his friends were ‘boring’ and he’d been wanting to come and talk to me all night.

He told me he had decided to ‘just do it’. I’m pretty sure this wasn’t the idea Nike had in mind when formulating their famous line.

His proximity and presence immediately made me feel uncomfortable, but I didn’t want to be rude so I engaged in (awkward) chat with him. After ten minutes or so, our ‘decision-maker’ had revealed a complete imperviousness to cues, and I was becoming very uncomfortable.

What was my exit plan?

I didn’t want to be rude but I also wanted to get back to all the fun my friends were having without me.

I mouthed to one of my girlfriends for ‘help’ and she politely asked him to leave.

This situation left me to ponder what made this man think he had the right to impose on my personal space. More importantly, why did I let him and why did I feel so helpless? Unfortunately, many women I know have had far too much experience with these awkward encounters.

On reflection, I realized the reason I got myself stuck in this situation, was because of my upbringing which had taught me to:

• Always be polite;
• Never hurt other people’s feelings;
• Always give hugs and kisses to your aunties and uncles to make them feel validated, even if you don’t want to;
• Quash your voice and comply with what your parents tell you to do otherwise you will get into trouble.

My upbringing had led me to believe that at this moment I was not in control of my space, and what a dangerous message this is for kids to receive. This learned behaviour was also what I was instilling in my own children!

It impressed upon me the important responsibility we have to teach our children to protect their personal space and boundaries and give them the tools to deal with such situations.

When teaching manners to our kids we need to let them know that they have the right to say no and teach them the unemotional (yet firm) way to do so.

We need to include conversations about situations that make them feel uncomfortable. Listen to them and not judge their answers. Ask them what would have helped to make them feel more comfortable.

We should model firm and unemotional words whenever we feel uncomfortable in a situation, and ‘role play’ with our kids.

We need to encourage our kids to have a voice and practice expressing things they want, such as “I’d like to go to an Italian restaurant tonight”. Simple stuff, but it will make it easier to say ‘no’ when they don’t want something.

We need to teach our children not to feel guilty or impolite if they need to pull someone up for invading their boundaries or even to ‘push back’ if their requests are ignored.

We also need to teach our children how to respect other people’s personal space.

We can’t assume that our children will intrinsically understand these values, so it’s our job to teach them to be respectful to each other from a young age (and at any age).

It seems obvious that Mr. Space Invader may not have been taught how to respect a woman and her personal space and behave appropriately.

We can teach our children to politely ask someone’s permission before entering their personal space, and help them understand boundaries. “Do you mind if I borrow your pencil”, “Is it ok if I play with your soccer ball” (instead of just taking it), “Hi, my name is so & so, do you mind if I join you?

Also teach them to look beyond words and how to read body language signs, signals, and cues and what they might mean.

In my scenario, perhaps I could have simply said “thanks for stopping by for a chat, but I’m here to spend some time with my girlfriends and I’d like to get back to them”.

It’s never too late to learn or pick up a life skill.

I’ll certainly be taking my own advice here!